April 4, 2007
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The Daily News
1 Did you know... If you lined up all the boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese end-to-end, they would stretch from San Francisco to Los Angeles nine times over?
2 Something like that.
3 I have this show going on behind me called Our Greatest Fun Foods.
4 Something like that.
5 It features stuff like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, Jell-o, Jet Puffed Marshmallows, Hostess Twinkies, Cracker Jacks, and Swanson's frozen dinners.
6 It is filmed like those old 50's home movies where we see a kid in a cowboy hat smile with jelly all over his face.
7 Naturally I enjoyed craning my neck and watching.
8 One guy said that he couldn't eat Jell-o whole, that it had to be cut up into schoolyard cubes. I gotta love this ad for Jell-o:
9 Another interviewee remarked that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is a staple in his household.
10 I just looked up and guessed that right this minute I probably have three boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in any cupboard right now. How about you, hmmmm?
11 He even referred to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese as "comfort food".
12 In a strange way, it's true.
13 Now, my mother, who was and is the greatest cook in the history of the planet Earth, wrote the book on comfort food. She always has had amazing recipes and wonderful home-cooked meals for us, every night.
14 And yet we always had many of these pop items lying around our kitchen cupboards.
15 I remember what a treat it was to pop a Swanson's frozen dinner into the oven and to pull it out a half-hour later, and to place the hot pan onto a TV tray. Here's another classic ad. You could almost smell the must and dust coming off this one:
16 Cracker Jacks were always great because they had free stuff in them.
17 Even though it was a plastic ring, or a clown tatoo, it didn't matter. It was free.
18 It had no business at a ball game though, I don't care what you say.
19 And marshmallows were to be put on the end of a stick and your job was to try to cook them to a golden light brown.
20 Like most kids though, I would torch them until they were coal black and still burning.
21 I'd burn my tongue with them, often sending a loud sizzle flying out of my mouth. I'd still manage to eat the thing, and there was seldom anything more fun.
22 And finally we have the Twinkie. My dad worked for Hostess, so we would always have boxloads of Twinkies, Sno-Balls, Suzi-Q's, Ho Ho's (which I would unravel like a sleeping bab and stare at with the saucer eyes of a cartoon cat).
23 And of course, we must always make mention of the immortal Hostess Cup Cake, the greatest of the greats. You could eat it so many different ways. You could just chomp it down, or you could meticulously peel the chocolate off the top, eat that, then suck the cream out of the middle.
24 I loved the creamy surprise inside, even though I had eaten millions of them by the age of six.
25 I was also the most popular guy on the block, never realizing until way later that it probably had more to do with the Hostess Twinkee connection than anything to do with the fact that I was a swell guy.
26 Ah, well. Today all that stuff can cause horrible things to happen to us. It's considered outrageous to give any of that stuff to children, almost akin to giving them ciggies and beer.
27 Sometimes I just shake my head at modern times.
28 But growing up with all that stuff is very much a part of all of our lives.
29 I enjoyed having that stuff, and for some reason, I enjoyed traveling back to the days when we could eat foods that just seemed fun.
30 And most of all, I'm glad that I got a chance to share all that.
31 Hope you enjoy your day.
32 Peace.
~H~
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