| The Daily News
 The REAL Maltese Falcon.
1 It was a dark, dreary night. Outside, the rain pelted the streets with a discomforting regularity.I was in the process of hammering away at the keys when I heard in the wind that someone had stolen the Maltese Falcon from John's Grill in San Francisco.
2 For the record, San Francisco author Dashiell Hammett wrote a book called the Maltese Falcon, later to become the famous film starring Humphrey Bogart as Detective Sam Spade. He had his hero go to San Francisco and dine on lamb chops at John's Grill, which is a very real San Francisco institution, founded in 1908. Still around.
3 Ironically, the Falcon itself disappears in the book.
4 Well, the real Maltese Falcon is safe somewhere in Hollywood anyway. The one stolen from John's Grill was a replica, but the place was famous for having hosted author Hammett on many occasions.
5 When I first heard the news that the Maltese Falcon had vanished, I instantly became a gumshoe, hopping onto research engines in hopes that I could bring a fast-breaking story to the DN.
"Nobody gets their grubby hands on this dame"
--Bogart as Sam Spade in The Maltese Falcon
6 I was on it. This was the scoop I had spent days searching the rainy streets for. After walking all evening up and down the boulevards and avenues looking for a story, I finally put my collar to the wind and went home, sat down to hammer out the DN, when the story I had been searching for walked right off my keys and onto my fingertips.
7 The ruse worked for around twelve seconds when I found that the real Falcon was not the one that had vanished.
8 I went back to the drawing board, feeling a bit like Perry White, the boss of Clark Kent, Jimmy Olsen, and Lois Lane.
9 A mug without a story.
10 As a lad, I remembered the exposive White screaming at his staff about what actually constituted news.
11 "If a dog bites a man, that's not news. But if a man bites a dog, THAT'S news!"
12 I sighed as I poured another drink and stared out the windows. Raindrops fell off the overhang, taunting me. Something was up, and I was looking for answers.
13 I had thought the Falcon was the answer.
14 Turns out I was wrong.
15 Toosdee. Toosdee.
16 Nothing much happens on Toosdees.
17 As the evening pushed on, I saw that the entire Maltese Falcon angle was just a tease.
18 I was just a mug without a story.
19 I thought a man bit a dog. Turns out a dog bit a man.
20 Better luck next time, Slim.
21 I saw no reason to carry the entire ruse a second longer.
22 I turned out the lights, listened to the rain, and drifted off.
23 Nothing much happens on Toosdees. There's always Wensdee. With any luck, a sultry damsel in distress will walk through that door. In the meantime, I'll just wait.
24 Maybe tomorrow.
25 I'll just wait.
26 Peace.
~H~
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