January 16, 2007
-
Maximize
The Daily News
1 Weekly World News Headline:HILLARY NAMES BIGFOOT AS HER RUNNING MATE!
2 Who knew?
3 All this came as somewhat of a shock to myself as a journalist.4 I thought the biggest news of the day was the guy whose pants caught on fire when he left his cell phone in his pocket. He was wearing polyester pants and a polyester shirt, and his cell just combusted.
5 But this article. Yeesh. I got scooped.
6 Plus it had some great moments. The article, the one about Hillary, written by the WWN‘s own Denny Spurling quotes a Clinton advisor, Don Key as saying, “His style will be no-nonsense, get-it-done approach similar to Teddy Roosevelt–with a slightly altered motto of ‘Grunt softly and carry a big club.’ “
7 And another: “G.O.P spokesperson Ellie Funt supposedly said, ” ‘Running Sasquatch is just another stupid stunt by desperate Democrats. Besides, the public won’t vote for someone who stinks like a billygoat. Who’d come to those rallies? ‘
8 ” ‘The red states, most likely,’ remarked Don Key.”9 Just irresistible.
10 I just had to laugh.
11 Sometimes it’s just so fun to read all that stuff. We read the mainstream news and sometimes it just gets to be a bit much. For example, I just read about O.J. Simpson’s idiotic book.
12 Even if you believed the guy, you’d have a tough time defending that one. That’s about as stupid and insensitive as a human being could be.
13 I actually debated about writing the DN about him, or the guy whose pants caught on fire.
14 I guess I could have talked of the playoffs. I’m a big Tom Brady fan, but I’m also a huge Jeff Garcia fan. I must confess I rooted for Jeff, but too bad. And any time my Niners aren’t in the playoffs, which has been pretty consistent in recent years, my default team is always the Patriots. But this year there were lots of teams to root for.
15 The Saints and all that’s happened to that town. Garcia. Brady. Tomlinson. And still, nothing really monumental except some just amazing games.
16 I could have talked about Dr. King and his day. But it’s pretty clear that nobody really listens too much to the dream anymore, just once a year, and then it goes back into hibernation. Any concept of peace with the Bushies in charge is impossible.
17 Free at last? Come now.
18 And then whatever with Warren Beatty and the Golden Globes.
19 Nope, it just wasn’t a fun night to try to talk about too much of anything.
20 So when I went to the supermarket and saw that Hillary/Bigfoot ’08 was looking like the ticket, I saw renewed hope.
21 And then, moving over the amazing internet, I found a good deal of stories that warrant our attention.
22 I re-discovered the Weekly World News! Notice the fantastic headlines that have been ignored by mainstream America! Notice the almost unbelievable headlines on each and every issue! Notice the horny little alien that keeps whispering in everyone’s ear. Any port in the storm, man.
23 So I think I’ll just throw all the rest of the news over my shoulder.
24 Here is a nice montage of Weekly World News headlines of the past few years.
25 Please enjoy as I go out and scour the planet for some stories that will tantalize, that will intrigue, and that will most likely be believed by the red states.
26 M’bad. It’s okay. Thankfully, we have real journalists like Denny Spurling, who are out there doing it for us every day.
27 Don’t touch that dial.
28 Have a great day everybody.
29 Peace.
~H~
