January 2, 2007
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The Daily News
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
1 So…Saddam Hussein, Gerald “Single Bullet Theory” Ford, James Brown, Darrent Williams, and 3000 soldiers walk into a bar…
2 That’s about 3002 people I feel sad about.3 So it goes.
4 Well, it’s great to be back, lemme tellya. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. The beauty part of teaching is that you get lots of time off, and sometimes, you become wise beyond your years.
5 Like over this holiday I was able to put together nearly anything a person would need to know about life.
6 And of course, I’m quite happy to share with you.
7 So here goes a whole bunch of stuff I learned, almost all of it spiritually true.
8 And so, my list. These are now Absolute Truths:
- As I often suspected, any song will be better if sung by Jimmy Durante.
- Whipped Cream is best enjoyed by shooting it into your mouth.
- You will never lose weight between November 20 and January 2, so why try?
- Casablanca is the greatest movie ever made.
- Old movies are thousands of times better than new movies.
- This old world has turned awfully stupid in twenty years.
- It’s time to bring our troops home. The time has come. Every soldier and his mother knows this, to their very bones.
- Love turns perfectly intelligent people into imbeciles.
- Dogs know more about where they are headed than humans do.
- The foods that are the worst for you are the foods that you love.
- Three out of four celebrities have little or no talent outside of their loud mouths.
- If you want a waitress to come over to your table, put a huge portion of anything with hot cheese in your mouth.
- Neither Richard Simmons nor Tom of My Space will ever make any sense to me, and I sense they won’t make much sense to you either.
- Everything they say about fruitcake is sadly true.
- Life is short. There’s still a lot to learn. Learn it while you can, and smile when you do.
- January is underrated. It’s a great yawn.
5 Well, those are some things that whirled through my mind as I sat watching delightful hours of old films this past holiday. Just some thoughts.
6 Welcome back y’all.
7 Just yawn, stretch, and have yourself a lovely day.
8 Peace. Here’s looking at you kid.
~H~
