November 26, 2006
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The Daily News
1 Okay,Thanksgiving, time for you to hit the road. It’s CHRISTMAS time!
2 Did any of you go off and shop on “Black Friday”? Was it me, or were they WAY pushing that one on us this year? The corpse wasn’t even cold yet.
3 I have a bit of a theory that it is intended to get us all moving and spending earlier than we normally do, and I think it’s working. I already had bought ten gifts before Thanksgiving, a new record for me.
4 Part of it is that I don’t want to spend my entire December check by December 15, which I do every year, and then I go park myself in front of a Target and sit with a coffee can and say “God bless you” to people, even if they didn’t even sneeze. I usually get around $50 bucks before anyone even asks what my cause is. Works like a charm. I take my money and hightail it outta the parking lot as soon as anyone catches on. Great seasonal work.4 Moving on: Well, last night I was looking through this catalogue, which is always fun at Christmas, because I ALWAYS see stuff that I like. When I was a kid I always wanted this Coke machine, because I figured I’d have free Coke for the rest of my life. I just assumed it was an ever-flowing fountain. Why would a kid think otherwise?
5 Yes, kids are THAT stupid. Admit you gave it some thought…6 Our catalogues back in those days were pretty lame. We wished for things we knew we could get:
…for things that we HOPED we could get:
…and for things we’d NEVER get…
7 Somewhere around 7th grade I began hoping for more sophisticated things:
8 Well, I’d tell Santa MOST things, but of course, he wouldn’t always listen. But we always thought it was worth a shot. This was how I felt when I was just a little turd:
9 To be perfectly honest, Santa used to scare the bejeezus outta me. Note his glazed eyes in the picture. I think some of those Santas were boozers. But who knew?10 Anyway, I used to love looking through the catalogues. I’d always skip the clothes, of course, because I wanted toys. My mom would always let me wish for a while, but she’d always remind me that it was better to give than to receive, which I always agreed to, even though deep down I couldn’t wait to see what I would rip open when the time came.
11 But the gifts in the catalogues were always pretty basic. Well! THIS year I was thumbing through this catalogue called abc distributing [sik], and was shocked when I saw some of the things that they had. This was the first thing that caught my eye:
It’s a book. The fur you see is a Whoppee cushion. Gotta love the little poof of green smoke coming out of Fred’s ass.
Evidently it’s the day of the big dog show, and Grandma has let Fred eat anything he wants. As a kid reads the story, he pushes on Fred, and Fred farts. $7.95. The advertising actually asks, “Will Fred be able to hold on long enough to win the blue ribbon?”
12 I guess I was raised differently, but when I was a lad, one rarely mentioned such things in polite company, let alone in a Christmas catalogue. I decided to do a little more research and came up with a catalogue of the tackiest gifts on the market.13 So since there apparently are no longer any rules regarding class, I thought I’d pass on some of the worst presents you can give this holiday season. Here, for your edification, is my own Green Monday. I was going to use a different color, but let’s just keep it green. Maybe it was the smoke from Fred’s ass that inspired me. Please enjoy, these are actually REAL things I came upon both in catalogues and online. Bon Appetit! We begin Green Monday with Santa Bubble Butt:
This Santa Bubble Butt is available at funideas.com All these gifts are under $20. Here are some more:
How about FACE/BUTT Towels? Are they his and hers? Just $9.95 in the abc distributing catalogue. Or, if you can’t afford that, there’s always
BUTT/FACE soaps, $5.95, also available I think from the abc distributing catalogue, as well as from Urban Outfitters. Or maybe you’d like to get that special someone a Remote Control Farting Teddy Bear for just
$7.95.
Ya gotta love the look on that lucky guy’s face. Music to his ears, undoubtedly. I love the special spelling of the fart sound: TPHPTH!! Who knew?
Here’s a little fun from funideas.com
Yep! You can get THIS awesome wrapping paper for a mere pittance.
And there’s more on that website:
There’s THIS cheery fellow.
Who does this:
Gotta love that ad. “He turns to give you a Special Surprise”, capitalized!
There’s more!
This guy sings “Jingle Smells” and farts when you
squeeze his tail. Nothin’ like class, huh?
These three all poop your favorite candy. Of course they can’t SAY
it’s M & M’s, but don’t they just make perfect sense?
I think you can get the entire lot for under $15.Well, it’s getting late, so let me just leave you with the last two:
First, we have this little plastic outhouse. Here is the exact wording:
Ever wonder what Santa does when nature calls? He stops off at a Redneck Restroom, a finely detailed outhouse that shakes, rattles and rolls as the occupied
(aka Bubba Claus) let’s out 10 “toots” and funny outhouse phrases, including:
- “No wonder everybody hates fruitcake.”
- “Do you smell what I smell?”
- “Time to unload Santa’s bag!”
and finally, the poop de gras,
Pull My Finger Santa!
This oughta bring Joy to the World. You just do as his name says, and you’ll hear the following outbursts:
- (fart) “That’s all you’re getting for Christmas!”
- (fart) “Was THAT on your list?”
- (fart) “Ah, the holiday smells!”
- “Ho…ho…(fart)!”
- ” (fart) “THERE’S a gift for ya!”
- (fart) “Come sit on my lap!”
14 That’s about it! I just thought you might enjoy Green Monday, just to set you up for some early Holiday cheer! Forget Black Friday, just go to funideas.com, or any of the others, and you’ll never have to Christmas shop again, because you won’t have any friends!15 Happy Green Monday!
16 Cheers!
17 And, of course, Peace.
~H~ 
