September 26, 2006
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The Daily News
1 WhooooooWEEEEEE! Hitchcock would be proud.
2 Now that's a fine how do you do.
3 So it's just back to the good ol' DN. Some things never change. I'll keep the DN, even if people just delete it when they see it, bc who has time to relax? ; ) <----sideways winky d00d, now considered obsolete in many digital circles.
4 DAYUM! They just had a commercial for some push-up bra, and personally, I feel things like that shouldn't be put on television, no sir, nope. I felt compelled to bring all that smut right to the surface so we could all kneel down and pray to JAY-zuss.
5 Seriously dude, I just turned around and all this pole-dance music was playing on TEEVEE and some chick was swinging around so fast I thought she was going to hit me in the face! Talk about slapping a guy into reality.
6 Well, you know me and my high-falutin morals. I just turned the other cheek. I'm sort of a cheeky guy ayway. But it sure woke me up almost getting slapped in the face.
7 But yeah, there I was, just trying to think of how to lighten things up around here, when this commercial started flashing fast cuts of some chick in a "push-up" bra.
8 To be honest, I never even HEARD of a push-up bra until that moment.
9 Up 'til then, I thought a push-up was those little ice creams that kids eat in driveways during the summer:
10 Shows what I know. That one up there at the top of the news looks like a giant pair of Spy vs. Spy sunglasses made out of cardboard.
11 But I must say that commercial snapped me awake. I couldn't believe it, but I don't believe most stuff that flashes across the infinitely endless screens and monitors everywhere we turn. It's always either sex related or violence related. Or it seems like it. I watch everything for about four seconds.
12 It was funny, because that commercial was just advertising for some undergarments, but of course instead of showing the gal trying to get it on comfortably, she had to get all saucy and wenchy and fly around so that she almost hit me.
13 The TEEVEE is always blasting behind me when I write the DN, because my computer faces the wall. So I sort of crane my neck every time I hear anything remotely interesting, or when they suddenly BLARE the music so that I turn quickly.
14 I'd love to complain about WHY the do that, you know, cranking up the music on a commercial to sonic proportions, but I guess I just answered that. I don't pay attention unless they take women trying on ridiculous undergarments and blast music so you turn around and feel like you're about to get suh-lapped, or they have the music suddenly BLARE at you so you turn around and watch something either sexy, or fast-cut violence with pounding beats.
15 Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against undergarments, especially ha-UGE brars. But it just winds up distracting me the same way TEEVEE always distracts me with its fast-cuts and morally bereft idiocy each night. I usually just ignore it until I know some brar is coming at me or something.
16 OKAY SO SUDDENLY SOME DISNEY COMMERCIAL FOR LITTLE MERMAID JUST DECIDED TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT SOME PLATINUM EDITION DVD AVAILABLE ONLY FOR A LIMITED TIME, LIKE ONLY ONCE EVERY TWENTY YEARS OR SOMETHING SO HURRY DOWN AND BUY IT BECAUSE DISNEY WON'T LET YOU EVER BUY THIS EDITION EVER AGAIN!!!
17 AND SAFEWAY IS SHOUTING AT ME ABOUT CHICKEN SO FLAVORFUL THAT YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO EAT EVER AGAIN!!!!
18 AND NOW CLARITON D IS SHOUTING ABOUT HOW MUCH LIFE WILL BE BETTER IF I BUY CLARITON D.
Just look at how happy THESE two are!
19 AND NOW SOME ROCK BAND IS PLAYING SOME ROCK SONG SO LOUD THAT I WANT TICKETS EVEN IF THEY ARE OBSTRUCTED VIEW EVEN THOUGH THAT BAND IS REALLY JUST AN OLD NAVY COMMERCIAL.
20 It's one big party tonight, I tellya. My nerves are shattered by all the rock music and loud commercials.
21 That push-up brar commercial oughta be coming around for it's second go-around any minute now. I'm just turning, anticipating the slap.
22 This could take some time if the Disney people decide to let us watch it once every ten years or something.
23 I just thought of that guy on Judge Judy who wanted to sue a stripper for clobbering him with her ha-UGE implants. He said she almost killed him when she lowered the boom on him while he was sitting on a chair. It was one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. He lost the case, but surely had a laugh or two with his drinkin' buddies. Judge Judy didn't think it was so hilarious though. She gave him a Zira-from-the-old school-Planet-of-the-Apes movie look, and the guy shriveled. The stripper sorta laughed. At least that's what my memory recollects.
24 I probably never actually saw anything of the sort, but that's because it was over a year ago, and my entire life is like 50 First Dates, only every ten minutes.
25 It's a dangerous world, I tellya.
26 Ain't no luck.
27 I learned to duck.
28 Peace.
~H~
~H~
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