September 20, 2006
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The Daily News
1 Yesterday was International Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day.2 A lotta folks think 'tis easy, but it's harrrrrrrrd.
3 Now really, how that one got by me is a mystery to me.
4 I was too goth yesterday, and missed a real lark.
5 Ah, vell, the News must go on.
6 And then there's the spinach stuff.
7 So nobody wants to talk about it, but let's just take a gander at a recent
edition of the BBC News:
8 Hmmm. Methinks I sniffs a conspiracy going on here. Are the recent spinach
revelations deeper perhaps than meets the eye? Notice the little wink to the
conspirators with the cause of death: "...steady diet of leafy green vegetables
blamed for chronic health problems..."9 Just what is going on here?
10 I personally believe that fellow appearing in the picture above to be
an imposter.11 Allow me to refresh your memory.
12 Here is the classic Popeye.
13 How can there possibly be anything wrong with Popeye? How can there possibly be anything wrong with spinach? How can there be anything wrong with a guy who says proudly, "I yam what I yam?"
14 Ahhhh, cross me palm with silver and I will reveal all.
15 Now I was always aware that Popeye had seemingly been an enemy of pirates. The evidence is out there. There are lost episodes, pop-up books, and jigsaw puzzles that would lead one to think that our heroic spinach -muncher and clobberer of bearded bullies was every bit the pirate's natural enemy.
16 Clearly, Popeye is in his element when a) he has any sort of threat to his relationshp with the slippery and inconstant Olive Oyl, and b) he has downed some
spinach.17 But there is also bits of evidence that Popeye himself may just have been a closet pirate. The evidence is slight, but here is something my research has dug up:
18 Well! It seems pretty obvious to even the fiercest skeptic that Popeye MUST have a closet passion for all things pirate, because why else would he sport his own pirate pistol WITH his portrait on the handle?19 My theory is that Popeye may just have been as much a pirate as Blackbeard, who used to sing in the dead of night.
20 Now where'd Blackbeard get to? I'm overworked and underpaid, I swear to you.
21 Oh, there he is!
22 Well it's clearly obvious to me that the lunatics are running the asylum.23 So this was to be a piece mourning the passing of the spinach, and I won't even GO there, but it's sad that they ever had to start throwing spinach into bags and salads. If you're going to avoid spinach, the can was always the king, because canned spinach would have stopped this madness in its tracks.
24 My other theory (the first being that Popeye was a closet pirate!) is that you eat a can of spinach ONCE. It supposedly makes you stronger, and the Popeye people have traditionally supported this, as well as the spinach industry.
25 Nobody ever believed it, and later, they shifted their approach to fern bar food, and spinach salads and the like.
26 And now it's all of this.
27 Well, I hope everybody recovers. I was just beginning to enjoy spinach, plus my forearms inflated to the size of buoys in recent months.
28 That's about it for today. I've left you with a lot of deep stuff to ponder.
29 Have a beautiful day.
30 Eat your spinach.
~H~
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