September 18, 2006
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The Daily News
1 So...one of my best friend's mom walks into a bar...2 Well, now this one was different.
3 This was a very weird situation, because she was not very nice to him at any time
during his life. He has a name. It's John. And when he was a wee bit of a lad, when
my parents were taking me on vacations and we were enjoying family dinners together, John found himself living a life of sheer pain and agony. His parents were from the old country in Italy, and both spoke Italian in the home. His father, Joe, was a goodly man, but his mother was a fierce matriarch.4 His mother, whose name was Emma, scolded him constantly, and always favored his younger brother Al, to the point that it was blatant. She would tell John that she had been happy until he came along. She sent him to a reform school, where he was taught by severe religious people, who frightened him about Heaven and Hell. His mother told him constantly that he was doomed to fail, that he would wind up in a small hovel downtown, and that after this life, he was going to spend eternity in Hell.
5 This boy had to live with that his entire life. As he got older, he became more intelligent and mature. He met a beautiful girl who told him that he was worth something, and it turned his life around. He worked through all those childhood demons and became very successful as a union business agent, fighting for the rights of workers, but scolding them when they would screw up. He became addicted to sports, and took jobs working with the Giants, A's, Niners, Raiders, Cal, Stanford, and on and on. To him, his addiciton and love for all sports and being able to be at countless events became his passion.
6 Because of his upbringing, he became stronger, and would fight for anyone being dealt a bad hand in the business world. To this day he fights for his workers, and loves working in the sports industry. He especially loves helping workers to keep their jobs when they have bosses who are unreasonable. John is a hero, and he enjoys his role.
7 The funny thing is, when he arrived as a freshman in high school, nobody knew him because he had come from the reform school. He had no friends except perhaps me and a few of our buddies, so as a lad, he had turned his passion to baseball, which was his only solace. He knew batting averages of nearly every player who ever played the game. His memory was and still is amazing. Kids would gather around and listen as he was a walking encyclopedia of not only sports, but of lots of other trivial and useless things.
8 He used to declare his mind a "warehouse of useless information".
9 But he became accepted, and he eventually worked his way through all of the angst of his mother's tyranny. In his ealry 20's, his father, who was a gentle, wonderful fellow, took ill and passed away.
10 Because of a family squabble years before, he had been forbidden by his mother ever to meet any of his father's brothers and sisters. Even when he became an adult, he never knew his father's family because of some ancient grudge. His father's death haunted him, but his mother's fierce insistence on his never meeting them caused him to stay withdrawn about it.
11 As an adult, he and his wife, Effie, had a beautiful daughter named Kathleen, and they were very happy, living a comfortable life in San Francisco and in Daly City. They would laugh, talk, joke, and John especially enjoyed having people over. But he always had his mother telling him that at any moment, his entire life could come crashing down, and that they could be out on the streets with one stroke of bad luck.
12 One day, he decided to meet his uncle, and his father's side of the family. He was now in his forties and felt it would be terrific, especially meeting and introducing Kathleen to her blood relatives. So he looked them all up, and soon, he had a meeting with his father's side of the family.
13 They met, and there were tears all around. His father's side of the family was wonderful, and wanted nothing more than a huge picnic to celebrate the joy of a young man finally meeting Joe's son. John was overjoyed, and pumped that he now had uncles, aunts, cousins, and all the rest. The picnic was a tremendously emotional, yet joyous success, and John now was complete; his father's side of the family became an enormous source of happiness for him.
14 Well, one day his mother found out about his making peace with Joe's family, and she summoned him inside. "You are NOT to see your father's side of the family! We have had a running feud, and we don't want anything to do with them!"
15 John was devastated, and finally stood up to his tyrannical mother. Her response ended in an ultimatum: stop seeing your father's family, or you are no longer my son. Those words were some of the most powerful words ever spoken, and to John, it was the final straw. This woman who claimed to be close to God, had thrown her own son out of his family. To John, there was no turning back,
16 That day, John left his mother forever. I can't imagine what had gone through his mind that day, but I do know my friend better than most people, and I know he was pretty damaged inside.
17 At that point in life, John began to see what had happened his entire life, that Al was always the favorite, and that no matter what else, nothing John could do in this life would ever please his controlling mother. So making the decision never to see her again was a hurtful, but necessary decision. He would never see his mother again.
18 For years and years after that fateful day, his younger brother, who had become a nurse, took care of his mother and he himself stopped all contact with John. For the past eight or nine years, John has not had no contact with Emma nor with Al. John's family now consisted of Effie, Kathleen, Effie's parents, who are old school Greek immigrants, and wonderfully loving, and the rest of Effie's family.
19 They became a major source of strength and happiness for John. He became very close with Effie's family, and soon, Effie's loving parents became the parents John never had.
20 As the years progressed, John went up and down with his extended family, and parties and events in his house became legend. John might have been out of Emma's life, and all that came with it, but he was happy with his newly formed family.
21 Three days ago I received a phone call from John's wife Effie. She informed me that following a long illness, Emma had died. My entire life stopped as I pondered what must have been yet another emotional trauma in my good friend's life. John was away at work; the Giants were in town, and the new Stanford stadium was opening for the first time. As always, sports came in and became John's source of solace.
22 Effie and I talked for a long time, about all of it, and about how strong John was. I knew better; the death of Emma had to have had an effect on him. I called later in the day just to see if he was home yet, and he hadn't arrived. I figured he was burying himself at work, which he loved doing.
23 At that point, Effie told me that she had received a phone call from Al requesting that her parents not go to the services for Emma. I was outraged that Al would do something that hurtful and shameful, but I also knew that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. At first I thought of not going at all, but last night I put on my nicest clothes and headed for the chapel.
24 Inside, Emma was laid out in classic open-casket style. I walked in, shook hands with Al, who thanked me for coming, and sat with old friends. There were very few people in attendance. John's best friends had gathered, and Effie had brought Kathleen and a group of other friends. The total number of people visiting Emma was fewer than fifteen.
25 Emma will be buried today. I will stand next to John, and next to Effie, who had told me her parents were devastated that they were not welcome at the funeral, and Kathleen, and all of my best friends. We will stand by our friend, and later we will gather at his house where there will be an enormous celebration, and where Effie's parents will welcome all the guests.
26 Al will go home to an empty house.
27 Emma, who faithfully attended Catholic church every single Sunday, might need to do a little talking when they look over her resume. Maybe she had a bad childhood. Maybe she grew up with old-country values. Al told me that in her final months, she kept asking for John.
Maybe she'll make it to heaven in spite of herself. I just know that in the end, she kept asking for John. According to Al, she had lost much of her mind, but she had kept asking for Johnny.28 I have to tell that to John later today. I may see him cry for the first time in my life.
29 And I'll be there for him, and for all those who love my good friend.
30 It makes us all think about things.
31 Quite a story, and true.
32 But that's how I will spend my day today.
33 Peace.
~H~
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