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The Daily News
1 Oh, I imagine.
2 Well, the week seems to be winding down like a tired old clock, and things seem to be slowing a bit, at least around these parts. Right in the midst of all this maelstrom, the immortal Xanga decided to change its whole format on me. It feels like it's making things humongous, but it's difficult to judge.
3 It's a roll of the dice.
4 It's fun, you know, change. I was never one to enjoy it; I always felt comfortable just relaxing and not giving out too much in the change department. Stability rocks, as does the familiar. When you get to a new place, it's all different, but often, sort of exciting. You can begin all over; you can start up on new hopes and dreams, and you sometimes feel lonely, but it doesn't matter because if you're remotely like I am, you want to fly, and to meet new people and to take on huge challenges.
5 You can also comb the place for great places to eat!
6 So yesterday while I was putting the past away and moving into my new realm with vigor and a shotgun full of caffeine, I got munched, a madman let loose in a gorilla zoo. Anything would have worked: a baloney sandwich, a banana/cocoanut frap, roadkill with salt pork...
7 I would have eaten this old Asian woman in a straw hat, but a) I hate straw, and b) I would have been hungry an hour later, and c) hey it was a nice hat.
8 No, but REALLY.
9 Anyway, I literally had to get on my walkie-talkie (yeah, I'm one of THOSE)
{{{static!}}} "Is this your veee-hickle?"
{{{static!static!!}}} "Base we have a young lady here wearing a Pokemon hat..."
and tell the office I had to leave for around fifteen.
10 So I ditched that thing, put on my Beatles hat, sunglasses, and hopped in the TOOONDRA, blasting U2's Vertigo all the way. It felt SO badassss! I was H once more baby, and all was well! Hello, hello, little place called Vertigo...
11 I instantly found that there was NOWHERE TO EAT! Nowhere close that is. Oh, there was a Carl's Jr's, which is for total pig-slobs, but I wear a tie now..<pinky up> and just didn't want to have all the tomatoes and onions and mayo slip out and onto my shirt. So I did the TOOONDRA bypass, which is to fly at light speed past the place 'til it's a blur, music blaring, windows rolled WAY down.
12 Badass.
13 I saw a cop, but did a Star Wars turn down a black avenue, and put it into warp speed, because these guys have me on a clock. Closing walls, ticking clocks...
14 I finally flew past my gym, Bally's, which had an APB missing person's report out on me anyway. They even had my picture on one of those milk bottles of synthetic STEROIDS. They never even saw me the TOONDRA was flying so damned fast.
15 I then circled the fingerless Wendy's over in them thar hills and manuevered to the Drive-Thru.
16 Everybody for the rest of this life and the next will always spell the word "through" "thru".
17 No point trying to fight the stupidity. It's as prevalent as the world's cockroaches and thrice as indestructible. The great poet Fried Rich Von Schiller once said,
"Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain."
Smart guy, that Fried Rich. I'm dealing with some dumbasses who just don't get it right now, but that's saved for another time.
18 Anyway, where was I?
19 Oh yeah. Fingerless Wendy's.
20 Not my idea of lunch exactly, but I was in a hurry, and I was HUNGRUH!
21 Looking at the menu, all I could see was more tomatoes and onions and mayo slipping out and getting all over my shirt. And then you know how one thought triggers another thought that triggers another thought that triggers another? Well, at one point I looked down at my tie and thought, "The only reason anyone would have invented this article of useless clothing is to catch tomatoes and onions and mayo!" I felt like Goddam Einstein.
22 AnywayZ, the I really wanted some greasy fries and a chocolate shake. Last year I began a couple of missions. One was for the perfect skeleton key, and the second, for the perfect chocolate shake. So far, Carrows is winning. But one thought triggers another and so on...
23 I also have this thing that fast foods in a hurry = something missing in your bag.
24 The lady handed me this tiny yellow cup with solid ice cream in it, and no straw. I asked for a straw, and she was WAY happy to proffer it. In fact, she seemed to like her job a little TOO much it seemed to me. So I stuck it into the miniscule cup, and it bent. The shake was just a big mound of chocolate frosty.
25 Then I got my food, some chicken strips or something non-drippy that didn't remotely resemble a chicken, and I inched off. Glancing into my bag, I noticed an obvious dearth of greasy fries, but looked back and there were cars lined up around the block, so I just took off, shaking my head the whole way.
26 I then looked at the sweet-n-sour (the word "and" is disappearing from any sort of store with a sign) 'n' decided that opening it would result in splashing red sweet-n-sour all over my tie. Yeah, it wouldn't be as artistic as tomatoes and onions and mayo, but it would have made quite a stain, thankyouveddy much.
27 So I just raced back to work, eating breaded hot shit that crumbled all over my lap, and squishing the "milkshake" like a push-up. You know push-ups. Those ice creams with the stick in bottom, and you push them up? Little kindergartners with huge Hello, Kitty! heads eat them in driveways.
28 Well, I made sure I could eat all that stuff without leaking any of it, and did it!
29 And that's my story about going to lunch.
30 Today I think I'll just skip lunch. It would just go straight to muh hips anyway.
32 Have a lovely day.
33 Peace.
~H~
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