March 1, 2006
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The Daily News
1 Guess what today's DN is about?
2 Perky horoscope chicks.
3 Haha! Just kidding.
4 Well, to keep it short, for around a week now, I have been pretty much ignoring a daily horoscope that pops into my e-mails.
5 Did you ever take a look at a horoscope and say, "Hey, that could be about anyone!" but then get a bit surprised when they come true? Yeah, me neither.
6 My experiences with horoscopes is that they seldom ever come true, especially the one in the Merc News. In fact, if I WANT my horoscope, I just go to the Merc, read mines, and then expect the exact opposite. Mines. Haha. Yeesh.
7 Well, somehow, Ellen hooked me into this horoscope that is pretty on the money sometimes. I think last week she was reading one, and when I asked, she just had it sent to me.
8 So far, they've been pretty generic. Of course, because these ones seem to cater to the younger set, they ALSO have a 5-Day Love forecast, whatever THAT means. I just know that they have this sort of weather forecast with hearts in it.
9 In fact, on Monday's 5-Day Love forecast, I just saw a series of hearts, and they looked exactly like this:
10 Being my usual stupid self, I just looked over to her and said, "Hey, it's supposed to be nice all week, but it looks like rain on Wednesday." You know, I'm used to all those umbrella/cloud/sunshines in the Merc News weather pages.
11 Ellen straightened me out that the hearts are NOT a 5-Day weather forecast, but a 5-Day LOVE forecast!
12 Now THAT'S scary.
13 Like, the rest of the week I was cool with, but I must confess, I have not been looking forward to today.
14 Ever since Monday, I've been wondering when the storm is going to hit, and where.
15 So last night, right after midnight, I have to admit to having taken a second peek at my horoscope for today. Here it is:
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
This could shape up to be a somewhat confusing day for you. Just remember to remain flexible and don't always expect things to happen exactly how or when you might want them to. And don't let minor setbacks or disappointments get you down. Just try to re-orient your plans and know that your time is coming.
preceeded by the forecast:
16 You can run but you can't hide.
17 So...today is going to be a "somewhat confusing" day. With all due respect, EVERY day is "somewhat confusing" to me.
18 That little heart up there could have been my forecast for all last year.
19 Well, beginning Sunday when my dottas came over and brought a bunch of food, my week has been more than pleasant, which worries me! Yesterday was payday, the rehearsal went wonderfully, I heard from a good friend just after midnight, and it was just all good.
20 Which is why I'm somewhat confused...
21 I seriously considered staying under the covers today, you know, just calling in.
22 But I don't take stupid things like horoscopes seriously at all.
23 I must confess, however, that I am looking forward to Sunday. Here is my Sunday forecast:
24 Haha!!!
25 So yeah. Any idiot could write a horoscope. Most of us are immune to them. I've often thought of just writing a daily horoscope that works for all signs, just so people could save time, and not be annoyed by others saying, "READ MINE! READ MINE!"
26 <we are SO all about ourselves, arent' we?>
27 Well, I decided to take it upon myself to give all of you a generic horoscope that should work for all signs, all year.
28 Here ya go:
Today's Yearly Horoscope from FORECAST GUY
::::: ARIES AND ALL OTHERS::::
You have a tendency to want more than you actually have. You wish your time was your own, but unfortunately, ARIES AND ALL OTHERS, your time simply isn't your own. Be courteous to everyone today, because you are likely going to want to kick someone's ass. Refrain, ARIES AND ALL OTHERS, because the ass you kick may just be your own. You could use a little more money right about now. You know true love is in the stars, just wait, have patience, and before you know it, it'll all blow past like a warm wind. You want peace for yourself and your loved ones. Find peace in chocolate. That's it, man.
29 This will actually work for any day of the year. You can finally stop reading horoscopes, and get on with life.
30 Have a somewhat confusing day.
31 Peace.
~H~
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