February 9, 2006
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The Daily News
1 Diets, diets, diets!
2 EVERYBODY’S depressed about weight!
3 ‘Cept me!
4 Bring it on, baby!
5 I saw the headline in yesterday’s Merc News: Study: low-fat diet no help! Yeah, baby!!!
6 I immediately broke the bank at Wienerschnitzel, eating both wieners AND schnitzel in massive quantities!!!
7 I don’t even know what a schnitzel is, even though I sing about it in My Favorite Things.
8 Actually, I wasn’t REALLY sure of the correct spelling of “wiener”. I was certain the “i” before “e” thing worked, or it would be pronounced “wayner” but then, late at night after working all day in a place where incorrectness is the order of the day, you’re darned liable to go cross-eyed into any venue.
9 So yeah, the rule works, and the second I SAW the correct spelling, I looked off to the right and a wisp of thought puffed out, “dumbass…”
10 Pardonne moi!
11 Anywho, I decided that after much pressure, I am going to have to return to the gym and work out. Only with one new rule: I can evidently eat truckloads of lard and cheese and pork products, and maintain my dandy frame.
12 Schnitzel.
13 It’s actually a fancy name for “veal cutlets”.
14 <Charming the room with his best Julie Andrews>...doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodle…!!!!
15 Sounds like a CIA code.
16 It is. <James Bond music plays, cool, in the background>
17 It’s a bit funny, because in my meanderings into this abyss of useless information, I found that among definitions of “wiener” was this one:
Wiener, Norbert (1894-1968)
American Mathematician who founded the field of cybernetics.
18 What a name, to have! Can you imagine HIS childhood? I, too, would have bravely escaped into the magical, mystical world of cybernetics.
19 Well, enough of this folderol! Somewhere, there’s a pork chop and mashed potatoes with my name on them. Maybe some butter?
20 Gotta love the Merc for those heads. Party time.
21 Peace, yo. Time for Coldstone.
22 Late.
~H~
