January 9, 2006
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The Daily News
1 So…Lou Rawls walks into a bar…
2 It’s actually Sunday night as I pen these words, which means I’m going through the Sunday Syndrome once more. It happens every Sunday night, but last week was especially aggravating, because last week was the end of the Christmas Break. I was as crochety as Moses.
3 And this week, all the kids went back to their various Colleges and Universities to study. It’s probably relaxing for them finally just to sit and get away from everyone, and return to a more relaxed life that gets into a more comfortable pattern. No pressures and all. It probably feels good to be back.
4 So to all those guys, it was nice seeing y’all. We all really missed you, so on behalf of home, thank you all for sharing your time with us. I’m sure a lot of you got pulled hither and yon, and it probably got a bit annoying, so enjoy being back, and getting into a regular rhythm. You deserve the peace. Yeesh.
5 I almost got poisoned the other night. I was watching some movie, and decided to make some popcorn, you know the old-school way, with a popper and all, and even decided to dress the popcorn up with some grated cheese, a few sprigs of parsley, and maybe those pastel booties that stepford women used to put on turkeys.
6 Well, I took a bite, and I thought I bit into a moldy rat. Now, I’m not trying to ruin your bear’s claw, or Starbuck’s, or whatever you might be slurping down when you read the DN, IF you read the DN. But yeah, I can think of no better description. A moldy rat. I bit into that. Or something that tasted like that. Argh.
7 Anyway, my tongue turned black and fell off, and I busted out in toad warts, grabbed the plastic container, and opened it. A HUGE, moldy grated-cheese FIST came right up through the green lid, and punched me right in the nose. Yep, we found our culprit. I checked the bottom for a dead mouse, but there was none.
8 I had stored the stuff on a shelf, because I didn’t think grated cheese went bad. And I don’t really know why. I guess I thought it wasn’t cheese, but that it was that mysterious thing called a cheese food. Velveeta is a cheese food, for example. I thank the immortal Helene, my better half, for reminding me that cheese food is actually some sort of food.
9 Anyway, I didn’t get poisoned or anything. I am actually as healthy as the proverbial horse. Stalwart. But I DID throw the stuff away.
10 And THEN, I almost got run over by a Customer-in-Training at our neighborhood Save Mart, which still says Save Ma on it, because a coupla lights are out.
11 Some brilliant CEO or something decided to launch this campaign of making mini-shopping carts so that little human beings with HUGE Hello, Kitty heads could run recklessly through the grocery store, terrorizing old ladies, knocking stuff down, and likely moving large amounts of crack through the aisles.
12 One such darling with Rugrat glasses was all over the place, and he almost sideswiped me. He had been swirving all in and out, and here and there, weaving in and out of the aisles. When I finally caught up with him and looked over, you know, like you do, he was on his cell. I KNEW it.
13 There oughta be a law.
14 Moving On: There’s this new tutoring place over my way, and their slogan is Grade Improve or Money Back.
15 Is it just me?
16 Someone oughta write a book.
17 Well, enjoy your Monday.
18 Just thought you’d enjoy all that.
19 Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads.
19 Peace.
~H~
