November 22, 2005
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The Daily News
1 So I figured out one thing, that's for sure. Malls are way not designed for men.
2 I somehow found myself at the Great Mall the other day, waiting outside a chick store while my wife and daugher shopped around for chick things.
3 The second I went in the store, it was evident that there wasn't going to be guystuff in there. It had cute floppy hats, hippy scarves, really hip shirts, cool retro coats, and belts that have what looks like metal plates on them.
4 So I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm into merch. I'm a merch-man. I'm a merch sorta guy. They do this on purpose so I can go outside and fall into a GUY store, that has guystuff."
5 Wrong.
6 Let's back it up. Nearly every time I find myself in a mall, I want to shoot myself. I want to vanish. I want to chop off my feet and slash my wrists with spoons. It ain't pretty.
7 So I go outside this store in that mode, looking for Mr. Guystuff store for guys who are waiting around for wimmin to shop, and I realized that malls are way not designed for men.
8 I looked in the nearest store window. It had this display of dresses for life-size Coke bottles. I just figured, nope.
9 I walked along the mallevard of broken dreams, and saw some shop that had some name that sounded like His 'n' Hers, or some unisex nonsense. I looked up at the wall, and saw that it was shocking pink. The clothes themselves consisted of mini-skirts that were the colors of Miami Vice. I was looking for a thug hat. Not here.
10 As I moved along, I saw all these carts with utterly nothing that would work for me. One had keys that were painted like ugly ties. Okay, that. I've NEVER seen ANYONE with one of those things, but they're always in malls. Then there were the cosmetics.
11 Some guy had a battery-operated UFO Frisbee thingy that he was trying to have chase me around. No thanks, guy.
12 There was a store made up of name-brands: Bali, Playtex, Leggs, and Hanes. I THINK the last one was Hanes. So needless to say, I dropped my idea of a thug hat really fast, and breezed through THAT one.
13 When I finally got ridiculously bored, I decided I might just go to the restroom , just for preventative purposes.
14 Turns out that the bathroom was around six miles down this one whitish-yellow corridor, that turned 90 degrees to yet ANOTHER corridor, six more miles down to two water fountains, neither of which worked when you pushed the metal button. Right next to the water fountain was this little inlet that had triangular pictures of a man and woman, respectively. It was the only inlet all the way down both corridors.
15 As I approached, I heard some lady actually ask the janitor, "Ummmm...do you know where the bathrooms are?"
16 Unbelieveable.
17 I went back out into the mall, and just looked down at my feet. They soon came to this like little lit area that had race cars running all around this projected track, and little kids would put their hands in the middle of the cars, which would then scurry like cockroaches on pot, all over the floor. It gave me the heebie-jeebies...
18 I walked past Aeropostale, Abercrombie and Fitch, calendar stores, stores that sold shiny rocks, pothead stores that sold beer openers that talked, and shoe stores that sold only shoes that were two inches across.
19 I just thought, "This shit ain't for me!" and went back to the original chick store.
20 They were evidently on their second lap, so I went outside just to sit on a bench. Some lady showing hideous hag-nose midriff, sat there eating a gigantic pretzel lathered with mustard. She had a dollop hanging off her lip, where I'm quite sure, it is, simply, doomed.
21 Finally, I came upon this bar that had 30-yar-old geeks playing retro-arcade games like Street Fighter and stuff, only they wre drinking sissy drinks in martini glasses, so I just left.
22 Eventually, I got to a bookstore and spent the rest of the day goofing on Vincent Van Gogh.
23 I returned to the chick store, and they had finally settled on this really cool coat, so just looking at the look on Caitlin's face made it all worthwhile.
24 When I got home, I took off my old shoes and kissed the floor. I put on the Niner game and drifted off, vowing to the moon and the stars that I would never go to a mall again.
25 But then, I heard Eastridge has thug hats...AND 3-D glasses to watch Medium. Maybe next week...meanwhile...
26 Enjoy your day.
~h~
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