October 12, 2005
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The Daily News
1 I'd like just to take a second to
2 G-r-r-r-r.
3 I spent all last night growing a long, grey beard as I waited for the arrow/hourglass to move. Grades are due today, and we can't access all this stuff from home, so I am down at the school at around 9 p.m. last night trying to crack this thing called Class XP.
4 Only each time I go on, the arrow/hourglass would pop up, and nothing would happen for three or four hours. Eventually, I had to take all my materials to various computers before finally settling in to one of the computers in the Performing Arts computer lab.
5 I got onto that thing fast, and clicked everything I needed to click, and it was lightning fast!
6 And just as it was ready to pop up everything I needed...
7
.
8 Is anything more annoying? I thought it interesting that the hourglass has almost run out.
9 I can just picture the guys who invented computers sitting around one of those HUGE business tables, discussing exactly what image should be used to let people know that the only way they are going to continue doing what they are doing is to push Ctrl Alt Del twice, and it will "re-boot".
10 Well, when I push Ctrl Alt Del twice, I get this:
.
11 So I then lose patience, because time's money, and I push it like six or seven hundred times, just to let it KNOW I'm annoyed.
12 "YOU'RE A MACHINE!!!" I scream.
13 The answer always slays me:
.
14 I usually lean forward, like THAT'S going to make it suddenly start moving all around, and say a few choice words. I know Thuy reads this, so I won't put them here, but Thuy, I owe you a quarter.
15 Then I get up, walk around in a circle, and usually find something to eat that I utterly don't need, like a can of Pringles, or a third cookie from last night's trip to 7-11.
16 I get obsessive/compulsive in these sorts of situations.
17 After swallowing down everything except the two chips that are criss-crossed in the bottom of the can, I FINALLY just do it.
18 I push the BUTTON THAT YOU ARE NEVER TO PUSH. I hold in the power button, in my case, a clear button with a blue light and a little tiny peach-colored light that blinks like Tinker Bell. It's a solid act of extreme courage, but I screw my courage down to the ground, and just do it.
19 I hear voices all around me and in my head. They come at me from all sides, in haunting echoes of everyone who ever watched over my shoulder.
20 "Are you CRAZY? Your HARD DRIVE will CRASH, you moron. In NO time, you shall be visited by the Blue Screen of Death!"
21 Computer gargoyles then fly down and gaze yellow into my eyes, warning me that no self-respecting goodly person of this Earth would knowingly push the BUTTON THAT YOU ARE NEVER TO PUSH.
22 Too late. The computer snaps off almost instantly, followed by this little square that tells me the computer will be shutting down in five seconds.
23 No turning back, man.
24 No turning back. All my friends and relatives show up in black. I hear whispers, everywhere, whispers..."You know," they go on, "a lot of people feel HE brought this...whisper, whisper..." I can't really hear anything specific, just this presence, and the whispers...it's right out of D.H. Lawrence, only without all the arousal. But the paranoia certainly remained palpable...whisper...whisper...whisper...
25 And the screen finally goes out wih a barely audible crackle, and almost instantly re-boots. Angels, it must be! Of a sudden, I hear clarion calls and angels' voices singing the Halleluljah as I once again have escaped! I once again have pushed the BUTTON YOU ARE NEVER TO PUSH, and once again, I have narrowly escaped the Blue Screen of Death.
26 It freezes once more, but I get bold, and I push Ctrl Alt Del, only twice, and THIS time, it shuts down perfectly. I feel that all my wonderful data, which consists of a bunch of stuff I downloaded from friends' goofs, is safe, and is snug as a bug.
27 And yes, the world is at peace, my computer lives to see another day, and my grades, ladies and genltemen, are safely in.
28 And you, my dear friends, get yet another day of the glorious DN.
29 I'm out. Have a great day, everybody. I just needed to share all that. It gave me quite a start.
30 It is now safe to turn off your computer.
31 Peace.
~h~
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