May 11, 2005
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The Daily News
1 The thing about computers is that they slow down.
2 It's a little bit funny.
3 Like, I got home last night at about a billion o'clock, and really wanted to knock off a Daily News about dieting, which is always a fascination of mine, that is, watching everybody who is the slightest bit over their "ideal weight" trying like Hell to shed pounds. It's this weird epidemic that is clearly being perpetrated by the diet industry.
4 I had all these remarkably clever ideas, when my computer just decided to post the hour glass with the arrow attached, and instantly, I knew it was over. The hour glass just clung to the arrow like a bad relationship.
5 I had this entire piece in mind about how ridiculous some people get when they try to lose weight. Don't get me wrong; I am REALLY impressed by those people who can dedicate every waking moment to keeping slim, eating right, working out, and all that stuff. It's absolutely amazing to me.
6 But it's also sort of funny to watch people trying to stick to some ridiculous diet, like ones that you can have a little yogurt and carrot sticks, and somehow THAT'S like your main meal for the day. Those people watch the clock ALL day, and when the time comes to open that yogurt, they act as though it's the best thing ever made. And they always comment about how those little one-inch long carrot sticks tame that urge to crunch.
7 And I'm always like, "Yeah? And then?"
8 But of course, right when I get all these ideas flying at me this way and that, the old computer hour glass shoots up there, causing me instantly to start getting up, walking a circle around my computer chair, and then sitting my fat ass back down to TRY to make it un-hour glass.
9 I yell at it. I start saying, "Aw, come on!"
10 Or, when I'm waiting for a page to appear, I watch that little blue line that moves RIDICULOUSLY slowly across the bottom of the page to get itself agonizingly to the end. I begin treating IT like a small puppy, you know, "Come on, attaboy; you can do it, yes, yes, all RIGHT!"
11 Interestingly, when I was JUST writing item number 10, above, my computer froze, and about twelve-thousand seconds later, the word "itself" wound up with like four-hundred "f"s after it.
12 I usually haven't that sort of patience. When things get TOO ridiculous, I just press that little power button for around ten seconds, and the computer FINALLY understands what "OFF" means. Me human, you, machine.
13 Of course, everybody and his brother tells me, "That's EXACTLY why your computer is slow; you can't DO that!" and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, well, if I don't, then I'm going to welcome in the next millenium with a Sony Vaio that STILL would have a little hourglass hanging over this DN piece.
14 Ah, it's all good. It just means I have time to move over to the refrigerator to see if I still have yogurt and a few tiny carrots left.
15 After all, I'm not going to get any thinner sitting here on my fat ass, watching an hour glass. So I think I'm going to get up while the gettin's good, get on my indoor-flying bicycle, throw down a few carrot sticks, an be the Adonis that I know is in there.
16 Go out and make it better.
17 Peace.
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