April 14, 2005
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The Daily News
1 Yesterday I was going through a folder of hard-copy classic DN's from 1997 when suddenly, Ponticelli's face popped into my window. Is the guy psychic?
2 He was perfectly framed to take a pie, but unfortunately, I had none.
3 I've been up for a good pie fight for WEEKS now, ever since I got pinked.
4 Oh, I've been RESCINDED by the way! It was like Our Lady of Fatima appearing in a cloud and throwing fairy dust my way, forgiving every bad thing I had ever done. She smiled wide, leaned her head to one side, a perfect cross between Mother Mary and Glinda, the Good Witch.
5 I began clicking my old brown shoes three times, and chanting, "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME; THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME..." Dog crap and grass toppled to the rug in my portable.
6 Within seconds, my room began spinning HELLA fast clockwise. I was afraid I was going to lose all my pocket change, and then remembered that I was a teacher, and HAD no pocket change!
7 In the midst of it all, I conked my head on the window. I think THAT was about the time I saw Poniticelli, wearing a warlock's hat and grinning at me with his classic s#!t-eating smile. He disappeared. Right then, a couple of Deadheads in a canoe sailed by, smiled and waved. One of them offered me a veggie burrito, but never said a word, just held it up like, "You in, d00d?"
8 Then, all the props that had been brought out on stage in the last week flew past with lightning quickness: the 46th and Broadway sign, the Waverly sign, the tool cabinet, the black door frame that's been around forever, three sets of slivery, ghetto stairs, and seven thousand boxes marked "miscellaneous".
9 It suddenly all stopped, and I heard birdies, and little pop tunes on what sounded like a Wurlitzer from the 30's. It was very mysterious.
10 Suddenly, this Mamacita appeared in a moo-moo, waving a magic wand. She tilted her head to one side, and I burst into tears, like a fat version of Sailor Moon. Care Bears lined up on the edge of the Universe and stared.
11 I'm not sure what happened next. I just came out of it, and was sitting at my desk holding a hard-copy of a letter from the Super saying that I had been RESCINDED. I wanted to run home and pour myself a stiff drink of the Glory of God and Whiskey, but my doctor tole me that I couldn't touch whiskey no more, so I settled on my usual: neckbones and coffee.
12 And a diet water.
13 I'm back, yo.
14 Gotta love it.
15 Thanks Mamacita.
14 Peace.
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