April 8, 2005
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The Daily News
1 The Wendy's finger story took a dramatic turn yesterday. I was hopping online to get going on writing this piece, when I saw a sound byte hit the news. My eyes traveled to the teevee, and a picture of Wendy's flashed on the screen, followed by a picture of...the finger!
2 "Ahhh!" I screamed, literally. The finger flashed at me, no warning. It reminded me of those pictures you get in e-mails from friends, the pictures that are of a kitchen table with flowers, and you are instructed to look at the flowers for fifteen seconds. As you stare, nothing happens, but you KNOW something will, and suddenly, hideous screams cry out from the speakers as the hollow face of a lost little girl flashes at you, followed by the table with the flowers re-appearing, scaring the beejeezus out of you.
3 That's what they did last night on the news. The funny thing is, I had just awakened from a mild, mid-evening slumber just in time to catch the nightly news.
4 I swear, I jumped out of my skin. Exclamation points shot out of the top of my head.
5 It shocked me. I wanted to joke that the news gave me the finger, but I think I have a little too much class, so yeah. I held off.
6 Class act.
7 Moving on: is it just me, or does it seem that people are WAY over-doing the passing of Pope John Paul II? I mean, I realize it's a huge story and all, but it sort of reminds me of all the hooplah they made about the passing of Ronald Reagan. An old, venerable guy has passed on perhaps to a much better place, and all I keep hearing about is the millions of pilgrims making their way to the Vatican.
8 Of course, when I hear that, I instantly picture guys dressed like the Quaker Oats box cover-boy advancing on St. Peters, complete with muskets and turkeys. I actually picture a feast of sorts...
9 And I envision their children back at the hotel, making crayon outlines of their outstretched hands, drawing a face on the thumb area, and turkey feathers out of the other three fingers...
10 And of course I follow this idiotic concept until I hear the next news item come down the NBC pike.
11 Keep in mind that I was traumatized by that harrowing Wendy's visual byte, so hallucinations about the Pope's pilgrims and fingers and stuff isn't altogether uninspired. It was a frightening how-do-you-do, Let me tell you.
12 The funny part is, I have to go back to sleep after I am done writing all of this, somehow. So not only did I become traumatized by the Wendy's finger and all, but I wound up writing about it, which is likely to result in grotesque dreams containing gargoyles, and weird buildings.
13 I'm thinking of talking with my doctor and seeing if I have a permanent mental scar that could result in an out-of-court settlement with NBC and Wendy's.
14 And moving on. I understand that Prince Charles and Camilla, who will marry tomorrow, have decided to "confess" something having to do with "wickedness" to the media. Within no time, the Daily Mirror stopped the presses and inserted a new front page showing both parties posing on the cover wearing devil's ears.
15 I'll stop short here. We'll let the news media take it from there, and trust me, they will.
16 Entertainment Tonight is having a feast with a fast-flashing special on the Pope's funeral. Everyone on the show is enjoying fast cuts and quick, drumbeat/guitar drenched music under the dialogue. I just glanced at the television again, and THIS time, a quick-cut to the face of FANTASIA suddenly popped at me, sending me into convulsions. It was all too much at once. The fast cuts, the frightening visuals. Same show. Somebody save me.
17 I thnk I'd better turn off the computer, turn off the teevee, wait for the blue flashes to calm down under my eyelids, and dream about the FAT lawsuit that's going to go down on those moguls. I'm truly terrified and frightened about going to sleep...wheh my lawya at?
18 Hey, just kidding, kids.
19 JAY-zuss.
20 Seems Fantasia is writing a book.
21 Oy.
22 I'd better get outta here while I can still get to gettin'. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Where's Dr. Hunter S.Thompson when you need him?
23 See ya.
24 Peace yo.
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