March 15, 2005
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The Daily News
The Ides of March
1 You know what sucks? Writing a Daily News for aroung 45 minutes on a Sunday night, only to forget to switch it from "private" to "public" on a Monday morning.
2 I've been doing a lot of stupid things lately. One time I caught myself putting milk in the kitchen cabinet. Ever do stuff like that? It's hilarious when you find it, because you NEVER find it at first.
3 It's like sometime around late afternoon, you go to get salt or vinegar or cumin or something, and open the cupboard, and there, in all its glory, stands a jug of milk.
4 They have a name for this phenom, at least in my book.
5 Manopause.
6 It's like hot flashes and flutters. It's like buttuh.
7 Let's hear it for San Francisco. Great ruling, Judge Kramer. You make me proud of my city by the bay. Oh whoa, oh, oh, oh-whoa. Sometimes, I want to get back to my city by the bay, yay.
8 I was born there.
9 The place rocks.
10 Moving on: Have you guys tried those self-checkout things? Albertson's has one, and it's hilarious watching people trying to deal. For once in my life, I got smart about that one. I mastered them when they first came out, and now I totally GOOF on people who get all flustered with them.
11 The deal is, I'm convinced it's some Candid Camera reality show at work. Because they make it so you HAVE to yell at an inanimate object. It's like, say you're buying prunes or something. You have to push this thing that has you describe the item, and you push the letter "p" on the keyboard. It then gives you about sixteen different kinds of prunes. The ones YOU have are like 12 cents a pound or something, but you put those prunes on the scale, and it says in that ridiculous 2005 voice: four...ninety-nine...and you start yelling, "HEY! IT SAYS 12 CENTS A POUND OVER IN THE FRUIT SECTION!!!" And instead of bitching at someone, you feel bad that you chose a machine over a human, and move over to a place where a real person could screw it up, instead of having a machine do it.
12 Or worse, it tells you that there is an unknown item in the baggage area. Please remove the item. So you remove the item. Then it says, "Put the item back." This goes on for several minutes, as you start acting like Curly from the Three Stooges. I'm thoroughly convinced that the stores purchased those things so that employees could watch it all happening on their breaks. It probably has something to do with boosting morale.
13 Is there any other explanation?
14 Then, when you start jumping up and down and shouting at the machine, some real person comes over and tells you that the reason everything is so screwed up is because you've been leaning on the scales. Or something.
15 Personally, I've learned my lesson.
16 I pick up stuff like milk, put it in my cart, move through the checkout that actually uses REAL people, and then pay and leave.
17 Once I get home, I throw all seventeen bags of groceries on the sink.
18 I then eat almost half of the stuff I bought: cheese, salads, Cheese Its, apples, etc. If nobody is looking, I uncork the ice-cold milk, and chug-a-lug as much as I can, then swiftly put the top back on.
19 Before anyone knows it, I have that stuff stored safely in the nearest cupboard, safe and sane.
20 After all, staying organized is what it's about, right?
21 Have a lovely day.
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