March 14, 2005
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The Daily News
1 Y'know what's funny? How like, when you're driving, and some guy is weaving all in and out in the lane next to you, and then you all wind up at the stoplight anyway.
2 I always used to goof on that with my daughters. Some guy would be tailgating like Goofy, shouting, weaving, moving in and out, inevitably winding up at the light right next to me. I used to say calmly, just loud enough so that my daughters could hear, "Where ya goin'? WHERE ya goin'?" and then, just as calmly, I'd say, "See you at the light."
3 Deep.
4 Or not.
5 Anyway, that happened to me yesterday. I was driving down Hostetter Road over by where I live, and some guy was going insane in the lane next to me, slamming his hands on the wheel, zooming in and out, and tailgating everyone in sight. By the time I arrived at the stoplight, he had actually lost around three inches on me. It was a scream. I just looked over at the guy.
6 I wonder why we do that? It's like we WANT to see what an idiot looks like. We always hear people talking about idiots, but how often do we have the opportunity to put a face to it?
7 Now I'm talking abstract idiots. We all have idiots in our daily routine. We're used to them, sort of like loony neighborhood pets, and their goofy owners. But when there's a random one out there driving into your vision, I find it's always best to do a little rubbernecking so you could SEE an idiot in its natural habitat. School is sort of a natural habitat, but much of the stupidity is pretty familiar, and therefore, routine, and uninspiring.
8 But when a loony is on the loose out there in the human zoo that is daily life beyond the fences, it's like I want to cheer, make faces, and throw peanuts. I rarely get road rage anymore, unless one of those guys almost kills me or something.
9 That happened one Halloween several years ago. I almost got run down by a drunken gorilla. I caught him in my rear-view, bobbing and weaving, flying at jet speed toward me, drifting swiftly in and out, in and out, and then he buzzed me, but missed by a windblown whisker. I looked over, and he was a gorilla, top to bottom. Must have been late to a Halloween party. It's funny, because I really just wanted to look to see what an idiot actually looked like out of context, and this guy is dressed like a gorilla.
10 I just laughed. I was pretty glad to have survived, but I sometimes think that when I do finally leave this place, it will never be as colorful as getting run down by a drunken gorilla. Just doesn't happen.
11 Anyway, it's Monday. If you come up against massive stupidity today, just smile. Look at it as your own fun, because within your mind, you can simply goof on the stupidity, and you won't be as irritated by people as much. Just look at it as God's zoo. Chuckle in your head, and humor 'em.
12 They usually go away, or meander out of your vision, and into the shadows. If they do that, just look to them, and say, within your mind, "Where ya goin'? WHERE ya goin'?" And get a calm chuckle out of it. It's much healthier, and you'll be a better because of it.
13 See ya later.
13 See you at the light.
14 Peace.
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