February 1, 2005
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The Daily News
1 Okay, so here's what's going on at the H house. I'm having my bathroom re-done by some company, Numbutz Bathroom Re-Do, Inc., I think it is. Or some such thing. So let me preface this all by stating I don't know the FIRST thing about Bathroom Re-Do's, but it would appear that these guys are clearly experts in bathroom re-DON'TS.
2 It's funny, because my toilet, which used to be flush with the floor, is now up around three feet off the ground, like a ride.
3 You can only imagine. It seems to have a little puddle surrounding the base, but I'm sort of afraid of Old Man Numbutz, who looks pretty extreme.
4 For some reason or other, the guy had to cut a hole in my kitchen cabinet, the one that holds all six-thousand pieces of tupperware with the multi-shaped sizes and lids? They are now all over my kitchen, like some renegade art project, and the kitchen is covered in the stuff. Government agents have been sort of hanging out with earphones, and seem to be whispering code words like "might need caulking" and one guy repeatedly says the word flange.
5 It's all quite scary, really.
6 My good ol' rusty shower curtain has been replaced with CLEAR GLASS, which I don't really ever remember having ordered, so I feel like I'm a character in a big screen slasher flick.
7 And suddenly, my good old showerhead, which USED to be at nose level, now hovers threateningly a good hundred feet above me, DARING me to make the wrong move.
8 Yesterday I noticed this hairline crack in one of the tiles, and I was about to tell Old Man Numbutz, but he looked like a VERY irritated and toe-up mastiff, so I thought better of it.
9 The guy was there until 8:30 last night. I don't recall if we are paying him by the hour or by the sneer, but either way, I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be a song.
10 So after homie leaves, I sneaked back to take a gander at the finished product, and the first thing I noticed was that the toilet is like a triple XXX. It is TERRIFYING. Remember when you were a little kid, and thought you might fall into the vortex? This thing brought back visions of those horrifying days, and I stand in fear of severe night terror as I form these words.
11 Since those guys kept hanging around, I went out for pizza. Since I'm usually buying $5.00 pizzas from LC's, I wasn't used to the whole new pizza parlour thing. When did pizza parlours suddenly become so well-lit? When I was a lad, half the fun of going to a pizza parlour was that they were dark and danky, like some crude speak easy from the thirties. Our Straw Hat has tiffany lamps with leaves on them, and it is as bright as Wal-Mart. They have this fat, ugly grey TV that was showing Wheel of Fortune, and Vanna White's dress looked like a carpet. Man, that chick has let herself go. She looks like ME.
12 Anyway, after TRYING to figure out the deal with THAT show for the four-millionth time, I returned home, only to find Old Man Numbutz STILL working on his buttcrack masterpiece.
13 He finally left, and I went in to give it the old test ride. My feet didn't even touch the ground, so I decided at the last moment maybe to wait for the finished product.
16 Looks like hard times are on the way. Pray for me, willya?
17 Peace.
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